The Ten Thousand Things

Joe: "To be a loving person is to wrestle
with a profoundly improbable idea: that

however modest our position in society
might be, however much we may have been

maltreated in the past, however mesmerised
we are by the deplorable behavior of

powerful individuals, however shy and
frail we are, we are constantly capable

of causing other people significant hurt."

That's a Alain de Boton.

And that really struck me

because I think I'd always

given myself an out.

That.

It didn't really matter what I did.

That I was a small and
insignificant person.

And as it says, 'however, mesmerized
we are by the deplorable behavior of

powerful individuals', it always seemed
enough to just look at someone like a

Donald Trump, and just be like, 'well,
I'm nowhere near that bad, and I'm also

nowhere near that powerful, so the
things that I do don't really matter.'

But as it says, ' We are
constantly capable of causing

other people significant hurt.'

I'll look back and see
a lot of burnt bridges

.
And actually burning bridges is.

The only way I know to deal
with a lot of this stuff.

And I like to think that I have gotten
better in sobriety and recovery.

But I've always had an edge
that's capable of hurting people.

And I guess the point of this note and
why it's, why I wrote it down at the time

and why it struck me so much was this
is the justification that I'd used for

my poor behavior in hurting people, that
I was just a little insignificant ant.

And reflecting on it now it's
partially that insignificance that

led to some of the rage that led
to some of the bitterness, that

led to some of the poor behavior.

So, I guess the thing that I'm trying
to find now, is some genuine humility.

And just getting myself out of the
way and seeing other people, and

other people have their struggles.

And to quote Bob Dylan's grandma,
that "everyone walks a hard road."

And I know I'm not
going to get this right.

It's not going to be perfect.

But this quote reminds me that

I matter to maybe a handful of people,
but to those people I really matter.

And I have to be really careful to try
to be kind wherever I possibly can.

And it doesn't matter
what's happened to me.

It doesn't matter whether
I've been given a diagnosis or

I feel like I...

I've had a hard time in life.

It actually only matters
how I act in the world.

That's what I'll be judged on.

And that's what I should be judged on.

I need to get my thoughts right.

And my emotions, right.

And then hopefully my
actions will improve.